Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.