I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
