I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
