I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
