the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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