Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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