life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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