His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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