i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
