I'm eating all of the evidence.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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