Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
