you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
