Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
