You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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