I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You may now shotgun with the bride
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
