I haven't been this sober since birth.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
