I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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