I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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