I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
