If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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