What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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