you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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