I think I died a long time ago.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I would ride that face into the sunset
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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