Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
