So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize