I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
