This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
