tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
