Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I woke up under a house in Key West
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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