Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
