I only kidnapped one of them. chill
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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