so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
sarcasm needs its own font
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
