The maid of honor just puked.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
