I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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