I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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