my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
