If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
