Tell her she can't have a vagina
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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