Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
