I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
