he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize