I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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