Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
