i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
