How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
