what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
should my penis look like a turkey
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
