I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
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Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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