if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
