You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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