I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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