A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
