Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
