i think my tv is drunk
one two three fourrrrnication!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So. Much. Porn.
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