U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
