I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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