I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
