I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
