Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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