My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
